First sexual experience with another female: senior week in high school. Typical enough, I suppose. I've had fleeting thoughts that I may be in love with two female best friends, but after having slept with multiple women, I have realized that I am stuck. on. that. dick. I am definitely attracted to women, but there's something about masculinity that revs up those hormones, for me. Despite not ever wearing make up, brushing my hair only when it starts to dread, HATING chick flicks, and bro-ing out on occasions, I consider myself a super duper girly girl.
There are girly girls or 'lipstick lesbians' out there, this isn't the reason why I'm not a full on lesbian. I just...men, man. Manmen. Manly manmanmmmmm. I actually often resent the fact that I'm so into men because I'm such a girly girl. I'm very overly emotional and sentimental, and high maintenance in strange ways. I also love to gossip and dissect people with my best female friends, something I haven't been able to do yet with a male that isn't gay. You know, make fun of everyone you know including yourself in a light-hearted hilariously catty way.
I guess you're not 'supposed' to want a boyfriend to do those things with, but I'm the kind of person who wants 100% INTIMACY. On every level. It gets to be much for dudes sometimes. That and the emotions. Aaaand I end up falling in love and getting hurt, over and over again like there's a shitty song stuck on endless repeat. I really wish I could fall in love with a girl, and I have a lasting attraction/affection for women I've slept with, but I don't think I could committ myself to a monogamous relationship with one.
Not while the penis is still out there. I'm a scorpio in every way, which is part of why I'm so into astrology. I am a flipping nymphomaniac. I know very well that love is NOT sex, but I am one who communicates feelings for someone very strongly through the act of sex. In my sexual experiences with girls, I've only felt the playful affection of a hookup rather than the raw, uninhibited, feral passion of straight LOVEMAKINZ. Now this could merely be because I haven't 'found the right girl yet'. I've only slept with four women, one of them being a full on lesbian.
It was definitely fun sleeping with a lesbian. I felt completely in my element going down on a girl, because I already knew how certain things felt. Plus, as much fun as giving head to a guy can be, it was certainly relieving to not have to worry about that pesky gag reflex. There was a t.a.t.U. [or however it's capitalized] poster on the wall of the two Russian girls kissing so that definitely added to the ambiance of the situaiton. She had nipple rings, which made for more fun/excitement/TITilation. Har har. We definitely hooked up on more that one occassion and I felt a very strong attraction to her, but I just can't seem to let go of my crush on the fellas. I even complained to her about it, I'm pretty sure. [There were a lot of drunken nights]
Now that I'm single again, I would not be opposed to hooking up with a girl again, but I think in the end I'll always go back to a man. I feel that things will/can get better for me on the man front. NOTE TO MEN: I'm not trying to generalize you as people who can't deal with emotions. This is just based on my personal experiences. I do have straight male friends in my life who are mature enough and perfectly capable of dealing with emotions and my extreme intensity. But, I'm young, I'm growing and learning all the time, and my hope hasn't completely diminished for finding a long term male partner yet. Seeing as it take a long time to even get to a point where you've got a good solid relationship on your hands, I won't swear you all off romantically just yet.
It's good to know that there are ladies to love and connect with on our own special lady level though. And maybe if I meet the ~right girl~ I WILL be capable of falling for a woman. But I just can't see myself gettin off that 'dang a lang' as Trina and Nicki Minaj call it. You know.
Jerlz
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